eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
