my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
