The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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