every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
