Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
