can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
