the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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