oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
