ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Randomize
