we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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