my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
