You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
