Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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