I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
