Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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