I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
