she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
