I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
