Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
