The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize