It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
