please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
