You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
