just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Man, jail baloney is awful.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
