I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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