Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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