I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
