Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
