Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
NoShamevember. You game?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Randomize
