i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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