I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
