I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I need a beard to bite.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
