Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
