He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
