enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
sarcasm needs its own font
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
