I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
