I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
