yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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