I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
