Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
