I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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