My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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