Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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