Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
