I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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