In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Pappa wants mamma naked
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Randomize
