there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
