dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
