Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
