Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
