When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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