I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
