So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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