I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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