Moan for me like Helen Keller
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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