Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
