You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
