Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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