I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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