my room smells like sperm. sweet.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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