How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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