i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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